What to Do When You or Your Children are Questioning Sexuality?

Talking to Your Child Who Is Questioning or Identifies LGBTQ+
Questioning sexuality often happens during the teen years as identity forms, but questioning one’s sexual orientation can occur at any age. Adults are often better equipped to explore and understand their sexual identities more fully. Sexuality can also change with age.

Questioning one’s sexuality can be a journey of discovery, but it can also bring feelings of stress. Learning more about oneself and helping your children learn more about themselves helps everybody find joy in healthy sexual relationships and affirm their own sexuality.

Asking questions, talking to supportive people, and exploring online resources are just a few steps to help explore one’s sexuality. This is a discussion of some of the well-known LGBTQ+ identities, strategies that can help explore your children’s and your sexuality, and some of the resources that may help.

The Most Well-Known Identities: LGBTQ+
No matter what age, or what prior relationships and sexual backgrounds are, it’s perfectly okay to delve further into understanding one’s own orientation. One study that examined the sexual orientations of people from teenage years through early adulthood suggested that sexual orientation development continues throughout emerging adulthood.

To help best understand what your teenage child or you might be experiencing, here’s a breakdown of the various known sexual identities, along with how to find resources that can best be used as guides through self-discovery.

Gender Identity vs. Sexuality
Gender identity and sexuality are often grouped together, but they are separate topics. Sexuality is centered around who a person is attracted to, whereas gender is about how a person identifies themselves, not in relation to anyone else. If you or your teenage child are questioning their gender, some great resources include The Trevor Project, The Gender Unicorn, and the Transgender Law Center.

There are more options in regards to sexual orientation than those represented in the acronym LGBTQ+, but that term is the most well-known. Here is what the words in that acronym stand for.

Lesbian
A lesbian is a woman who is attracted to people of her same gender. Usually, people who identify as lesbians do not partner with people other than women. The National Center For Lesbian Rights works to advance the rights of lesbians and other marginalized people.

Gay
A gay person is someone who is attracted to people of their same gender, and the term is often used to describe men who are attracted to other men. However, women can identify as gay instead of or in addition to identifying as lesbian.

Bisexual
Someone who is bisexual is attracted to more than one gender. Before the release of the “Bisexual Manifesto” in 1990, it was often assumed that bisexual people were only attracted to cis men and cis women.

However, since then the term has come to include people who are attracted to more than one gender, period. If someone thinks they may be bisexual but isn’t yet sure, they may identify as bi-curious. The Bisexual Resource Center can help you or your teenage child learn more.

Transgender
A trans, or transgender, person is someone whose gender identity is different from the sex they were assigned at birth. As mentioned above, gender identity is not the same as sexual orientation.

Because of the overlap of the two topics, though, particularly in regard to the fight for human rights as marginalized people, the transgender label is included in LGBTQ+. Nonbinary and genderqueer identities also fall under this umbrella.

Queer or Questioning
Queer is an umbrella term for anyone who isn’t heterosexual. Being queer means that a person isn’t straight, but it doesn’t provide any details about who they are or aren’t attracted to. While the word queer was once used as a slur, it has been reclaimed in recent years by many in the LGBTQ+ community.

“Questioning” is the word for people who are in the process of discovering their sexual orientation. Your or your teenage child can be “Questioning” at any age, for as long as is appropriate for your unique journey.

Intersex
People who are intersex were born with bodies that don’t fit completely into the male/female gender binary. Just like the transgender label, intersex is not a sexual identity.

The term gets placed in with sexual orientations for the same reason as transgender does, because advocacy is necessary for this marginalized group. The Intersex Society of North America is a great resource for this subject.

Asexual
Asexuality is the term for a person who doesn’t experience sexual attraction to other people. It’s considered a spectrum, meaning that some people who are asexual will experience more attraction than others, but to be on the asexual spectrum implies that sexual attraction isn’t a typical part of your day-to-day life. Individuals who are asexual may refer to themselves as “ace.” The Asexual Visibility and Education Network can help you or your teenage child learn more.

Greysexuality, or graysexuality, also falls under the asexual identity. Someone who identifies as grey/graysexual may be rarely attracted to other people, but not so rarely that they fully identify as asexual.

Plus (+)
The + symbol at the end of LGBTQ+ denotes that there are more identities than just the ones in that acronym. For some people, none of the terms in LGBTQ+ accurately describe their sexuality. These are some less known but still equally real identities:

Pansexual
Someone who is pansexual is attracted to all genders of people.
Demisexual
A person who only becomes attracted to other people once they have formed an emotional bond can be described as demisexual.
Sapiosexual
People whose attraction to others is based on intellect identify as sapiosexual.
Skoliosexual
This newer term refers to those who are usually attracted to people who fall outside the typical gender binary. That means that trans, nonbinary, or genderqueer people may be the ones that a skoliosexual person is generally attracted to.

Step To Take To Discern Your Identity
If your or your teenage child are questioning their sexual orientation, there are a number of simple and easy emotional exercises your or your teenage child can conduct to help reach yourself and your attraction on a deeper level. Start by asking yourself one or more of these questions:

1. What imagery resonates with you?
When you or your teenage child see photos of couples or families, which one tugs at your heartstrings or your libido? Do you or your teenage child feel feelings of envy or hope when you or your teenage child see same-gender couples?

2. What’s in your imagination?
When you or your teenage child close your eyes and envision the perfect partner, are they a specific gender? If so, is their gender different from those you’ve partnered with up to this point?

3. Separate the dogma you’ve learned from your true self
As we go through life, we absorb a lot of ideologies about what’s “right” or “good.” If you or your teenage child focus on getting those out of the way, does your idea of who you’re attracted to change?

Resources To Help Understand Your Sexual Orientation

No matter what you or your teenage child are experiencing in relation to sexuality, there is no need to go through it alone.

Questioning one’s sexuality is a perfectly healthy activity, and talking about it with other people can help you or your teenage child work through it more effectively.

Talk to Supportive People
If you or your teenage child are comfortable discussing the issue with a loved one, bring up the subject with them. Choose a friend or family member you or your teenage child knows can be trusted, who doesn’t have any homophobic tendencies and will have you or your child’s best interest in mind.

Share your feelings with them, letting them know that you or your teenage child are unsure about sexual orientation. Don’t feel pressured to walk away from the conversation with a label—you or your teenage child have all the time you want to figure that out, if you or your teenage child ever even need to.

Talk to a Professional
If speaking with a loved one isn’t enough, consider speaking with a professional. If you or your teenage child are twenty three or younger, the LGBTQ+ Youth Hotline offers confidential, free support by phone; if you or your teenage child are older, the LGBTQ+ National Help Center has a hotline as well. Additionally, you or your teenage child can speak to a therapist, coaches, and most major cities have LGBTQIA+ Centers, many of which have free support groups. If there aren’t any queer-friendly professionals in your area, you or your teenage child can also consider online counseling for LGBTQIA+ individuals.

Connect With Potential Partners
Lastly, dating apps can help you or your teenage child connect with others who are also questioning their sexuality. Apps like OK Cupid give you or your teenage child the option of choosing “questioning” as an identity and allow you or your teenage child to search for others who are in the same situation.

Romantic Versus Sexual Attraction
When discussing sexual orientation, the distinction between romantic and sexual attraction sometimes comes into play.

It’s good to understand the differences between them because even though they tend to go together—meaning that usually people want romantic relationships with the same gender or genders of people they are sexually attracted to—there are some individuals for whom the two are different or disparate.

A person can be sexually attracted to a gender but not enjoy the way relationships with them play out, or they can like the relationship dynamic with a certain gender but not enjoy sexual acts with them.

Fluidity
Sexual orientation can change at any time in your life. If you’re experiencing a shift in your own attractions, your sexuality may be changing. There’s nothing wrong with that. For one thing, as we age, we get to know ourselves better, and we may be able to acknowledge facets of ourselves that we couldn’t before.

Additionally, as we age our priorities change. What you or your teenage child once found attractive in others might now be off-putting. For some people, their sexuality never stops changing. Those people might consider themselves sexually fluid for life.

What Is Sexual Fluidity?
Questioning one’s sexuality can happen at any age. There are many different sexual identities, and finding which one fits you or your teenage child best may take some time. Your identity also might change over time throughout your life.

There are many resources to help you or your teenage child understand your orientation, from organizations dedicated to specific identities to broader hotlines that offer help for any questions you or your teenage child might have. There’s no need to feel stressed if you’re questioning your sexuality—you or your teenage child have all the time you or your teenage child need, and plenty of free resources, to figure out what, if any, label fits you or your teenage child best.

I know you have lots of questions, so reach out to me and schedule an “Open The Relationship” conversation.